Because it was totally going to be Liz going home and she’s way more interesting to watch than your insipid monologues.

Also,  I gave Battle of the Bods a try and got only 10 minutes in. I don’t think I get it? So, 5 girls stand on circles to rank themselves to match the scores given to them by a bunch of fraternity bros behind a curtain? Unsurprisingly, this is a Fox “original”. I wonder if they just lifted this show straight from an average mixer at skull and bones where this “contest” is just a warm-up to a long night full of jungle juice and regrets.

Kicked Out has some potential but I can’t completely get behind it because it’s really just a bunch of over-privileged twats who, despite being “kicked out”, are still on gold-plated training wheels. All of the challenges are structured and provided for them. That is, they have to work a job so they get hooked up with a hospital or local news station. Come on.

If they survive for five fucking days, they get a prize. If ABC had any balls they’d make it 30 days like Spurlock’s show and the only challenge would be to not starve.

Ok, summer is well under way so I am catching up on reality TV (RT) via Hulu and the somewhat more sketchy internet streaming sites. RT is kind of my guilty pleasure (meth addiction) which I happily share with anyone even mildly receptive to the idea. Nonetheless, if I mention I had watched an episode of Top Model or Hell’s Kitchen to someone who isn’t familiar with my dependency, I inevitably get a dog tilt in response. Look, I dunno what to tell you, if it is a mystery to you  why RT is entertaining then, I daresay, you re underestimating the entertainment value of self-inflicted humiliation.  Watching 10-16 fucking idiots humiliate themselves over petty, stupid, manufactured, interpersonal drama brought on by a lack of sleep and access to limitless alcohol is the TV drama equivalent of mainlining heroin.

The shit I watch pretty much falls into one of three categories: some sort of skills based adventure quest (The Mole, Amazing Race), a 16 week job interview (Top Model, Hell’s Kitchen), and the high school model dramarama (Top Model, True Beauty).

Anyway, my current list of faves:

• True Beauty SE2. Unsurprisingly, Tara Banks is an exec producer of this show because after doing a kajillion seasons of Top Model I think they finally realized why we watch that shit to begin with: it’s not the modeling, it’s the constant interpersonal drama. True Beauty is the distilled, 180 proof version of Top Model.
• Hell’s Kitchen. This is starting to wear on me, this shit is always the same except that Ramsay gets “whackier”. I may have to drop this one because all of the contestants are just blending at this point.
• Top Shot. This show is fucking terrible but I enjoy watching all of the big ego retards get butthurt over everything. Wha, my beretta is not a glock. Also, COLBY, Jesus you suck.
• Solitary. Actually, I dunno, it is kind of interesting. Like, I kind of like the deprivation aspect of the game where contestants just fuck with themselves but it lacks the critical component of alcohol-fueled idiots sparring off over bullshit interpersonal drama. I will give it a few more episodes.
• Pawn Stars. Antiques Roadshow sucked because it never had any guns or powerboats. I am such a redneck.

Ok, check this out, this is the kind of regular pain-scale one might find in a doctor’s office:

I’m sure it works. It’s not very nuanced or detailed. Now compare the above to this awesome pain-scale:

I want a poster of this pain-scale to put in my office. This amazing creation comes from an equally amazing blog called Hyperbole and a Half. If you’ve never read it before, set aside an afternoon as this blog will devastate your productivity.